


The Lackluster Barebones Guide To Why Ardyn... Is A Dick by Prompto Argentum

by ragewerthers



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Ardyn Being Ardyn, Ardyn is a dick, Crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-31
Updated: 2019-01-31
Packaged: 2019-10-19 19:12:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17607272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ragewerthers/pseuds/ragewerthers
Summary: Read Title.





	The Lackluster Barebones Guide To Why Ardyn... Is A Dick by Prompto Argentum

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bgn846](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bgn846/gifts).



> This came into fruition thanks to a discussion with bgn846 on tumblr. I hope you enjoy!

So like… there was this Crystal.  It was pretty and purple and sucked my best friend into it, but before that… it was sort of a pretty marble the Astrals gave us to help us or something.

What it really did… was make people dicks. And not just your average dicks… like…. super dicks.  Dicks to end all dicks!

Dicks.

Anyway… the Kings of Insomnia like the shiny Astral marble that gave them power.  One future king liked it, but also liked helping others… his name was Ardyn.

See title.

Ardyn was a healer.  He sucked up bad things and in doing so became a sponge of gross.

Like crying black tears, drooling black gunk gross.

The crystal then was like ‘ _eww_ ’ so the Astrals were then like, ’ _Hi, yeah so… thanks for being a healer, but now you’re gross so no touching the pretty power marble?  Okay, thanks, bye!’_

Then in a HUGE dick move they chose his brother to become future king because his brother wasn’t a gross Scourge sponge.  And thus Ardyn, in the tournament to be biggest dick…… became the biggest dick.

So the gross Scourge sponge ran around being a dick and doing dick things and now, in his infinite dickiness I am sat here waiting for my buddy Noct to emerge from the Crystal.  Changing from a Prince-ipillar to a beautiful, non-dickish King-erfly!

Should any daemons or future hunters find this and I am no longer being a sweet, gunslinging, gunslinger I leave you with these parting words…

Astral marbles are dumb.

The Kings of Old suck suuuuper hard.

Noct will bring back the light because… duh… he’s Chosen.

And Ardyn…. is a DICK!


End file.
